Longing and pushing for a result

Frustrating practice this morning. As I decided to get up, almost with a sense of defeat, I noticed that part of me had an agenda. I wanted to feel a particular way, to get somewhere. Amazing. I am shocked regularly by the pervasiveness of this tendency. It is hard to just BE, notice, trust, follow the energy… This is the domination paradigm, so deeply rooted in my system, lead by the mind.

I realise I have a judgement about it. But some bigger part of me knows that all parts have an intelligence… I wonder what it is. Maybe some part of me longs so deeply for connection that it strives for it. Maybe that longing was driving the mind, and I didn’t realise until I “gave up”. Wow! I feel a wave of emotion as I write this: the grief for this part, that hurts so much and tries so hard, and the times when I don’t see it and, therefore, don’t manage to give it what it wants…

Deep reverence for this longing that keeps knocking at my door. Sometimes like a crowd of sorrows, violently sweeping my house of its furniture. Sometimes like a lover, gently taking me in his arms and opening me to the Divine. I am glad to see it today, finally, and make space for it. I am humbled in its presence.

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